The Epiphany
The days have seemingly been grinding down into a dull monotonous hum. Life has throttled down into a slow pace. 2 years in the running, i might have run out of steam. Maybe its the same 4 walls i see everyday when i go back, or the same route i take to school every morning or night. or the same places that i have been eating at. The same pitiful faces that i have seen again and again, day after day, and like me too, they seem to have lost a zest for life which gives me even more to worry, their faces delineated by worry. A lack of stimulus. The same grey clouds overcasted on an aerial canvas that feels as if, perhaps if you reached out enough and poked it, it would crack and break to reveal the hollowness of all that there actually is. The skies have lost their depth and they impose their weight on everything underneath.
Perhaps, I have i fallen into mediocrity, into some ominous ubiquitous state that i forever dread. It is deceiving, reality; both projected and perceived. It is haunting - it is like looking into the dark hollow eyes of a mishappen creature and glimpsing ourselves in reflection and perhaps realizing that this is all that there is, or could be.
So that is why, I need an epiphany.
A realization that there is more. An explosion of the id and ego, to regain and to conquer back and win the self.
I need to go back to the roots, to the source, to the fetal place where all is yellow and warm, where the skin is no longer the barrier between me and the world. But the world itself is part of me and barrier to everything else, beating with my heartbeat, flowing with my blood.
Which is why,
I have bought tickets to bali, kl and back home to Brunei !
... where the sand is white and warm with a golden hue; where coldness, dampness and greyness can never reach. a place closest to the sun, where colour with his good buddy light, exists as a melange of yellow, green and white. Yes, i admit with impunity, I want to go back home. I need to travel. My restless soul does not want to be ontained in this grey 4 walled mustard grey shell any longer. I need to go back and recharge my soul.
Thus perhaps i have found the epiphany i am looking for, the courage and strength to finish this last few miles before i can hold salvation and victory tightly in my cold bonewhite palms. I have found out that if i have a goal in mind, and salvation is at hand, that if i bear out this 1 and a half more months and finish strong;- then salvation will slide down my throat like an ice cold kirin beer at the end of a long hard day, with the celebration and feast that would follow. That the brighter i burn now, the greater the impression it will have upon the cold dark bland retinas of reminiscence.
Is this the epiphany i need ? or am i merely fooling myself ?
But I will choose for it to be an epiphany, and therefore it is one.
Descartes said " i think therefore i am",
i will add " i choose, therefore i become"
I have gotten the Epiphany i need and i thank you for being my audience, slave to my consciousness.